Old Lady Lip Balm

November 23, 2009

Mr. John Replogle

President and CEO

Burt’s Bees Inc.

633 Davis Drive 600

Morrisville, NC 27560-6884

Dear Mr. Replogle,

I am a long-time user of Burt’s Bees products, most notably your company’s Beeswax Lip Balms, which are an absolute necessity for cold, dry Canadian winters. They’re all natural, relatively inexpensive and they work well. In short, they are awesome.

I am also a huge fan of your company’s socially conscious business model. I appreciate what you call your company’s “Greater Good Business Model;” your attention to natural products, your opposition to animal testing, and especially, your attention to the environment and to a business model that incorporates environmentally sustainability.

I have a great deal of respect for an increasingly large company that makes an effort to give back and ensure social responsibility, so I have never had reason to take issue with you or any of your products.

Until this weekend.

Because winter is coming, my lips are getting dry and cracked, so this weekend it was time to buy a tube of Burt’s Bees Beeswax Lip Balm. The Shopper’s Drug Mart I happened to run into, however, was completely out of the “original” variety, and also, all other varieties of your lip balm. The wire racks that had once held your:

• Sun Protecting Lip Balm,

• Lifeguard’s Choice Lip Balm,

• Medicated Lip Balm and, indeed, even

• Replenishing Lip Balm with Pomegranate Oil,

were all bare. The rack that held your company’s Honey Lip Balm however, was fully stocked.

Now I know why: This stuff is awful.

Knowing about your company and knowing your products are always good, I assumed I’d be safe buying something called “Honey.” How bad can honey taste, right? Honey lip balm? Sounds good.

Well that’s the problem; this stuff tastes nothing like honey. It’s really, really gross-tasting.

I got in my car after buying it and putting it on and my girlfriend said, “Ew. What’s that smell?”

Well, I’m not sure, but it ain’t honey.

So, I’m writing to let you know that I find the label Honey Lip Balm more than a little misleading. It may be one of the ingredients, but it doesn’t taste like it. It probably tastes more like lanolin, another ingredient, than it does honey.

This stuff, when I had it on, it felt like I had just kissed an old lady. In fact, that’s exactly what this stuff smells like: an old lady.

Perhaps Lanolin, in addition to being a type of wax extracted from sheep, is also the name of the old lady whom this scent is modeled after?

Anyway, while I love your company and the majority of your products, I respectfully ask that you stop calling this product Honey. I’ll take it up with Shopper’s Drug Mart to see if I can get my four dollars back, but in the meantime, you may wish to consider rebranding this product something less misleading. Might I suggest Burt’s Bees Old Lady Lip Balm?

Thanks very much,

Johnson

P.S. – I too suffer from dry hands in the winter so I’ll be sure to try your Shea Butter Hand Repair Cream, listed as one of your favourite products. Thanks for the tip.

Church of Hot Dog: Pigeons, Flattery, and Cows

As you could probably tell from my recent "People I'd Like To Punch" post, things have been a little hectic at work lately. Accordingly, yesterday I thought it was time for a little spiritual guidance.

Since I'm not a religious person, for me this means talking to the probably crazy, almost definitely homeless guy who hangs around the hot dog cart outside my office building.

Josh has literally become my little chapel break in the day when things get crazy. Something about the smell of hot dogs and insane ramblings is oddly calming and helps me get centered.

But today when I went outside, at first I couldn't see Josh. I was worried that maybe it had become too cold for Josh to hang around outside all day, but then I noticed that the hot dog vendor was looking up.

Off to the side of the cart, and halfway up a light post, there was Josh. I'm not sure how he got up there, but there he was. An average size dude with a shaggy beard clinging to a light post about four feet off the ground.

And that's not even the weird part.

He was clinging to the post at about eye level with the light (it's one of those posts that hooks over to the light part like an upside-down J). On top of the light part was a nest, complete with a decidedly flustered pigeon sitting on her nest; clearly alarmed by the sight of Josh, who was attempting to get a firm position.

Turns out that the pigeon had good cause to be alarmed because, once he was set, Josh reached out, shooed the bird away and plucked an egg out of her nest.

I'm not kidding.

While I was alarmed, my first thought was, "That's actually a pretty smart way to get food for a guy who most likely is homeless." I was beginning to contemplate how he would cook it, when I realized he wasn't coming down the post right away. Instead, Josh held the egg in his hand close to his chest for a second with his eyes closed, then put it back in the nest.

He slid down the post and adjusted his clothes and that was that.

The hot dog guy and I exchanged "What the fuck was that?" looks.

Then Josh saw me and greeted me. He didn't feel it necessary to explain his actions, and I wasn't sure how to ask, so we didn't talk about. He did ask me how my day was going though.

Again, I want don't people to think I'm making light of mental illness or whatever. Josh is actually a very lucid guy, we have perfectly normal chats and he genuinely seems to care when he asks how my day is going and stuff. It's just that, occasionally, he has outbursts where he talks about how people should beat their children with a stick. Or sometimes he rants about women with "promiscuous" clothing. And, now, of course, the pigeon thing.

But he also occasionally says brilliant things too. One day he said, "In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery." Oddly profound, no?
I'm sure the woman I once saw him call a whore didn't appreciate his frankness, but it's still a pretty good thought (to be fair to Josh, this chick did kind of look like a whore).

One morning on my way in, I also once watched Josh eating a sandwich (not a gross dumpster sandwich, an oddly good looking sandwich in saran wrap, part of the reason I'm not sure if he's homeless). When he saw another, clearly homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk across the street, Josh crossed to give him half his sandwich.

So yes, he's probably a little "crazy," but he's also kind of cool. I want to be clear I'm not mocking him, he's just profoundly interesting.

Anyway, yesterday, as it happens, he definitely tipped the scales in the crazy direction a little more than the profound direction. First the pigeon thing, and then, when I told him I was having a shitty day, he recommended that I burn a cow (yep, burn a cow), then mix the ashes of the burnt cow with water and have someone sprinkle them on me.

All I have to say is, it worked like a charm. I recommend you all try it too.

The English to Douche Bag Dictionary Volume One

You already wear a polo with a popped collar. You already have a sweat band on your forearm.

You’re drinking a Monster Energy drink while you smoke on your way to the gym.

Tonight you shall bathe in gel and Axe body spray and take to the clubs; fueled by Jagerbombs and ecstasy.

Clearly, you already walk the walk, but do you talk the talk?

To make sure, and help the homos (see below) understand what you’re saying, I’ve prepared the following:

The Real Johnson English to Douche Bag Dictionary (Volume One, Party Douche).

English	DB	Usage
Nice / Warm	Billy Bad-Ass	"Bro, check out this skull cap. It's Billy bad-ass." * I'm not convinced this is common douche talk, but after I heard a guy use it to describe a toque (aka a skull cap) at Mountain Co-Op, I had to include it just for its sheer douchery.
Cool / Fun / Interesting / Good	Epic	"Guy. I Mother Earth is so underrated. Scenery and Fish was epic." or "Dude. You totally should have come to Sully’s last night. That shit was epic."
Drink [beer]	Crush [beer]	“Come over before the bar. We’ll crush a few beers and watch UFC.”
Eat	Smash	“I need to smash a chicken sandwich before we start drinking.”
Different than you in any way / Funny looking / Lame / Tall / Short / Pink / Feminine / Pertaining to a completely heterosexual relationship	Gay	"Dude, that shirt is gay." or "You took her to the movies? That is gay."
Make Love To	Slay	"Bro, I slayed that pussy last night."
Man	Guy / Bro / Dude	"Guy, bro. Come on, dude."
Man who drinks less than you / Man who drives a different car than you / Man who looks at you / Man who doesn’t look at you / Man who is different than you in any way	Homo / Fag	"What the fuck is that homo looking at?"
Smoke a cigarette	Bust a dart / Hack a butt	"Guy, let's go bust a dart." "Guy, we've been hackin' butts all night."
Inebriated	Smashed / magged / haggard / shittered / right fucked	"Bro, she was magged." "Whatever dude. I was right fucked too" "Guy, you were smashed." [exchange high fives]
Leave	Peace / peace out	"Dude, I'm haggard, I'm peacin'." or "Did those fags just peace us out?"

That should be enough to tide you over outside the workplace. A guide to understanding what the douche bags in your office are talking about is in the works too. When in doubt, just say "ridonkulous."

Next time: Douche Bag Sign Language

Ten Types of People I Want to Punch in The Face (this week)

I don't know about you, but lately I've just been feeling "punchy." People are rubbing me the wrong way and getting all up in my grill. But instead of throwing knuckles, I thought I'd just out some of the most recent offenders. Here's ten types of people I feel like punching in the face this week.

1. People who sniff all day until someone else asks them if they need a Kleenex. Blow your fucking nose. Nobody wants to hear you suck back snot all day.

2. People with your face. It's just that type of face. It just makes me want to punch you.

3. People who invite me to meet them at a bar, and I find out that the bar has a line-up and a cover. There are ten million bars in this city. Let's just cross the street and start drinking immediately.

4. Richard Gere. Just stop making movies. Now.

5. People who make ridiculous trade offers in fanatasy sports. LeBron James for Udonis Haslem and Kirk Hinrich? Are you fucking mental?

6. The person in my office who just told a detailed story about the various traffic conditions that make him car sick. Yes, you were speaking to someone else and not me, but maybe you could keep your fucking voice down if you don't want me to hear. I swear to god, every god damned day I have to hear you tell the most mundane, bullshit stories. I don't give a shit why the GO train was five minutes late today. Your wife's brother is building a bird house? Guess what? No one gives a shit. Don't you have any work to do? Ever?

(Sorry folks, just venting a little).

7. People who don't like sushi, but have never tried it. This comment immediately makes me understand your entire way of life and I hate it. "I've never been outside the city and I never want to." "I have no interest in seeing those types of movies." Just shut up and try some stuff you closed-minded old sack of crap.

8. Friends who leave me a voicemail. Really? Now I have to call my voicemail, put in my password, listen to your stupid voice, then erase your voicemail. Just hang up and text me. Better yet, just hang up. I'll see that I missed your call and I'll call you back. Voicemail. Unless you're confirming reservations, telling me about a job interview or otherwise relaying urgent information, just don't.

9. Republicans. Yes, I know it's bad to generalize and I know it's not even a political party of this country, but these people need to fuck right off already. I was never overly-fond of our gun-toting, bible-thumping neighbours to the South to begin with, but it seems like the right wingers down there are hell bent on ruining whatever is left after Bush. Seriously. Just this week someone realized that those dumb-dumbs, in an attempt to make gay marriage illegal in Texas, may have accidentally made all marriage constitutionally illegal there. Don't they have any better shit to do?

10. This baby. That's right, if you don't stop sending this video around and posting it on facebook, I will track this baby down and punch it. I don't want to, but you've left me little choice.

Who do you feel like punching?

I Love Lamp

Check out this cool lamp idea via designer Craighton Berman.

Ask Dr. Johnson - Wine, Work, and Strippers

Some time ago, I added the "Ask Doctor Johnson" info at the side of the blog, encouraging readers to feel free to contact me with any questions they might have.

Shortly thereafter I made a failed attempt at reinstalling everything on my computer and lost all internet capabilities. If you've ever taken a sick day from work with no internet porn available, you'll appreciate how truly brutal this experience is.

Anyhoo, during my brief absence from PornHub and all other things Interweb, it seems that I had a surprisingly overwhelming amount of email asking for advice.

Either you people really listen to what I have to say (which would be terrifying) or you're just really bored at work.

People have written to me asking for advice on things ranging from relationship advice to etiquette to fashion to video games.

So I'm going to try my best to answer everyone's questions, posting a couple a week if I can. If they're yours, I hope I helped. If you think I was way off, let me know.

Dr. Johnson,

Last weekend my wife and I went to a friend's house for dinner. We brought a decent bottle of wine along with us, but our hosts didn't open it. It's a wine I've wanted to try for some time so, when we left, I took the bottle with me. My wife raged. Was I in the wrong?

Wino

Dear Wino,

Definitely. You bring wine to a get-together as a gift to your host. Whether or not they decide to serve it is up to them and it shouldn't be considered an insult if they decide to open their own.

If your host does decide to serve wine you don’t approve of, make sure that your first sip is a really big gulp, but don’t swallow. Instead, spray the room with wine in a massive spit-take. Try to get as much coverage of the room as possible. Then scream, “What is this? Dog piss?!”

Next time he’ll probably crack your bottle.

Dr Johnson,

This guy I work with is fairly new and loves stopping by my desk and chatting my ear off for good chunks of time. He’s not a bad guy, but I’d be happy if I never, ever saw him outside of work. Now he’s requested me on Facebook (why, oh why did I use my real name when I signed up?) and wants to go drinking on Saturday night. What do I do?

Sincerely,

I Don’t Need Anymore Friends

Dear No Friends,

My first advice would be to just ignore the guy. Reduce your contact in the office to the grimace/forced grin and exhale through nose that you use to greet all coworkers you walk passed (this is my move, also good is the raise eyebrows). If you cut the small talk as much as possible he'll eventually get the hint. If he insists on coming by your desk to disturb you, and if it's at all possible, bring an iPod to work. When he comes by, nod politely but don't remove your ear buds.

This works for me, though it’s created a dependence on my iPod so strong that on the days I forget it I spend the day seething with rage and trying not choke coworkers (coworkers that are reading this: just kidding).

If your office is too small to ignore the guy, or you don’t have an iPod or feel rude ignoring someone, you could also wait for him in the parking lot after work and follow him home. Once you know where he lives, come back after dark. After he is asleep, break in wearing a ski mask. Wake him up by smashing one of his legs with an axe handle. When he wakes up screaming in pain, grab him by the throat and say "Stay the fuck away from [your name]."

If he ever mentions it to you, make something up about a crazy ex.

Dear Dr. Johnson,

Should I buy Transformer cufflinks to attend my brother’s wedding?

Sincerely,

Optimus

Dear Optimus,

See my previous post.

Dear Dr. Johnson,

My buddy's bachelor party is coming up and my girlfriend keeps jokingly saying things like, "You'll probably go to a strip club" and "Going to have fun with those strippers?" She plays it off as a joke, but obviously she's annoyed at the prospect of me going to a strip club. I've been non-committal in answering her because, yes, obviously we're going to a strip club. I have no intention of cheating on my girlfriend, but telling her I went to strip club is only going to cause a massive fight. Do I lie about going?

Sincerely,

Peeler Patrol

Dear Patrol,

Here's the thing: One of the most common lies women tell is that they are "OK with you going to the strip club with the boys." Regardless of how cool your chick is, she is always going to be a little self-conscious at the prospect of you drinking and staring at another woman's bouncing, naked tits all night.

That being said, bachelor parties are for drinking and staring at naked bouncing tits. So therein lies the rub...so to speak.

My advice? You both know you're going to end up at a strip club so you might as well fess up.

Yes, she'll be annoyed, but it will pale in comparison to the rage you might encounter if/when she finds out you went a strip club and lied to her about it.

In the end, she'll probably understand that it's simply what guys do at bachelor parties and she'll forgive you. Strip clubs and bachelor parties just go together. Like scotch and cigars. If, however, you find yourself at a strip club on a Tuesday night, by yourself, you probably don't want to tell her. You also probably want to reassess your life.

---

Do you have a burning question you want answered? Need advice? Send an email to therealjohnson1@gmail.com and someday I'll answer it.

Did I blow any of these calls? Provide your expert advice as a comment to this post.

Friday Afternoon Correspondence

The following may or may not be a transcript of emails that may or may not have actually occurred on a Friday afternoon. The names and details have been changed to protect the innocent/lazy.

_____________________________

From: Hell’s Pell

Sent: Friday 3:46 PM

To: Johnson; Reynolds, Josh

Subject: RE:

Should I buy a set of Autobot/Decepticon cufflinks off eBay for my brother’s wedding?

________________________________________

From: Reynolds, Josh

Sent: Friday 3:47 PM

To: Hell’s Pell; Johnson

Subject: RE:

Absolutely.

________________________________________

From: Hell’s Pell

Sent: Friday 3:48 PM

To: Reynolds, Josh; Johnson

Subject: RE:

Done. I love your conviction. Best $0.37 I’m ever going to spend.

________________________________________

From: Hell’s Pell

Sent: Friday 3:39 PM

To: Johnson; Reynolds, Josh

Subject: RE:

Johnson, can you only wear cufflinks with shirts with French cuffs? I’m just looking at my shirt and realizing that it doesn’t seem like it’s possible for me to wear cufflinks with it.

________________________________________

From: Johnson

Sent: Friday 3:41 PM

To: Hell’s Pell; Reynolds, Josh

Subject: RE:

Yes.

Autobots cufflinks are worth buying a shirt with French cuffs though.